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... thinking.. rambling... on love....

i have to say that i am so very fortunate to have Tim in my life. i can sit here and know that my husband is out on the road and he has to go out there, but i know he loves me - i feel it more than i have ever felt it from anyone other than my children in my entire life. i feel that God brought us together for a reason - that what we have of this life is meant for us to be together... however oddly that may sound... whereas he is gone most of the time. when i feel like i have a problem, i can go to him - and he won't pass a judgment on me, but try to help me through it. i feel like he won't just loook at me and walk away from me - ever. i don't think he would ever let me down or push me away. it's as though his love surrounds my heart - cradles it and holds it~ i have never felt this before... and i wonder sometimes when we knew each other before - why - why didn't i feel this with him before? was it really because i was with someone else or is it because i was afraid of him... and why didn't i pursue him when i felt that little spark for him? i know i thought he was with someone else... i thought he didn't like me anymore so my defense was to run away... i didn't want to...
he would say to me... it's all in the past.
why did i have that dream about him... in 2006? a couple of months before he came back into my life... why - how could i have been thinking about him? he was there in the back of my mind... when i tried to remember who took me home and i was obsessed with trying to remember who it was - i had a good time with him... we always had a good time together... maybe that was the plan all along... for us to NOT be together at that time - but for us to be together at a certain point in life... maybe that is why we crossed each others paths for so long - it was close but not just yet... maybe - nope - not yet... i knew i wanted to be with him after his second or third letter... but i was scared and i wasn't at the same time... something told me deep in my heart that this was the love i was looking for... well, i wasn't really looking - but i was available. i had to make a decision. i really don't know what brought us together - but i know that i love him with all my soul and all of what is in my heart - i have never felt this and i don't want it to stop. the day it stops is the day i cease breathing the air here on this planet. there will be no others - not for me. i have found him - my soul mate and i know this well enough to admit it. he is the only thing that keeps me together... he believes in me and i believe in him... i know i will be alright and i can make it in this life now... i have never felt such assurance before - everything was so iffy and vague. i only hope i am blessed for years to come.


wow... it's been almost a year since i last wrote in here... so much has happened....
i got married in April - on April Fools Day, of course - why not.... we pretty much eloped... but it was great. a pup i named Olliver was found on our porch this summer - i guess we didn't have the heart to get rid of him - he can be sweet - but destructive - as puppies are sometimes i guess. Sammi came up to see me on her birthday, which was really nice - we had Tim's family come over for a fish fry that night - then Eden moved in this fall. she seems to be doing well here. Cryssi went to Florida for the summer and came back in one piece. i haven't been working since the last week of October as they're remodeling... so i've had a lovely vacation. the holidays have come and gone and they were really nice & interesting - Tim's mother and step-father came for Christmas dinner. that was another first for him. Duece got sprayed by a skunk in the middle of Christmas dinner, so i wound up having to bathe the dog on Christmas day... at least his stinky head! and i survived only 2 tree attacks this year. we had a pretty good snow last week, but not enough to stay. and - here i am, waiting for another weekend to come so i can see my beloved.
i have been settling in over the last year. sometimes not so well - at least by me because i am in a new place with so many new people forced to live with me, i know i am not always the most normal person in the whole world - nor the easiest to understand, so i feel i have been more of a challenge to them than anything.
i know my entries are mushy and gushy and full of odd things and just writhing in love and sappiness. and so they will be. i don't think i could have it any other way to be honest!
you know, i really wish my mother was here - and in a way, i know she is.
well, i need to hop into bed... since no one is around to wish me so - i hope i have wonderfully happy dreams - especially to make up for all the dreadful ones i have been having lately!

Henry and Henry Walk it Out

inside joke - if this dosen't look like noodle n josh - i dont know what!!!

Henry and Henry Walk it Out
"Henry and Henry Walk it Out" on Google Video
Henry 1 (grey hoodie) and Henry 2 (baseballcap) walkin' it out. Chyeah, we be 14.

my gift...

so this year was our first Christmas together - me and Tim...
i was sick the week before and Tim was sick on christmas eve and most of Christmas day. but we were together and watched tv and had dinner at his mom's with his family. i missed the kids, but it was fine. we hadn't spent time alone together since i came up in October. so we spent the day snuggled up on the couch trying to recover from illness and too much dinner.
Tim gave me a beautiful diamond ring of white gold with 3 stones. it fit perfectly and it's so pretty. he said i couldn't keep it unless i agreed to marry him. so what do think i said - well, duh! so we're talking about what we're going to do and i am so happy and overjoyed. he has brought so much to my life and made me feel... i can't describe it. all i can say is that ever since he wrote to me that first night - i have smiled everyday since then. i have so much love in my heart for him. this is really different. and it's really for real - it hit me today and i am absolutely ecstatic.. elated... he is my one and only... now and forever...
i have had my failed realtionships... my past is my past... and this is my future - my life - my world... i wouldn't trade this for anything... he is the best gift - he gave me his heart... he didn't have to... but he did - and he had no doubts and no reservations - neither did i. this is right... it always has been. don't you hate it when something is right before your eyes and you don't see it? uh-huh... but i'm here now and i'm not going anywhere. i have everything i've always wanted... Happy Birthday to me...

hey - my first snow in like 9 years...

ok - so i got up - extremely reluctantly this morning... talked to my sweetie, and chatted for awhile with my daughter... took a shower and looked out the window while munching on a piece of bologna and there they were ...
... little pieces of cloud dandruff blowing randomly all over the backyard making Tim's lil birdies irritated as they tried to snatch up the birdseed he put down the other day! my first snow since 1998... wow - it shocked me at first - i forgot how beautiful it is - then my second thought was - hmmm - hope i can drive in this junk... :) that's pretty much the only worry i have about snow... i only drove in it for a couple of months in my entire life bc i didnt have my liscence til i was 23 and we were living in florida then - so when we moved up here in '97 it was the first and last time i'd ever driven in it... soooo - we'll see - pray i dont go swerving all over the place and end up in a tree or killing someones mailbox... jeez... i even had a dream about it last night...
Brittany asked me if we had snow where i lived - i was like - in FL - no!
not where i was anyhoo!
i bet Cryssi is looking out the bus window right now going - "what the hoo.. i gotta walk home in this?" i can only imagine the first words outta her mouth when she gets home! it isnt laying right now, but i imagine if it keeps going all night it will...
so - i'm lovin it!!! Tim's happy - i called him - he said he'd love to have a white Christmas this year since he's gona be home.
so, almost ready for the holidays... got the tree, the decorations, the cocoa, the snow... well - it would be better if my kids were gonna be here to do it all, but they're gonna spend it with their dad and new baby brother - and i can't afford much this year, so if it makes them happy - it's the best i can give 'em... time with their dad.
i just had a thought - i can wear the boots Sammi bought me for Christmas 2 years ago now! yay! they match my jacket and scarf and gloves... wow - i finally match after all these years!
well - im gona go fix the hole in my mitten... i LOOve my mittens!!!
much love...



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January 2008


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